What is God? Who is it/he/she? Any gender specific to it or is it gender-less? If gender-less, what exactly could be the form of it? Why everyone looks for it – fight or kill for it? Is it really the love that religion talks about or just some made-up story by human?
It all started with enthusiasm of worshiping God for the hope of getting heaven and fulfilling my wishes there. A pure greed led me towards God whom I never wished to seek till I reached 13 years of my life.
It was all about worshiping him in the way described by Islam. Like majority of followers, it was about praying 5 times a day and reading the Holy book regularly.
Then one day, somehow, I found that the greed was no longer there but I continued my mechanical procedure of worshiping. Now, the wish changed and it turned from an evil wish to a good wish.
To worship Him for pleasing him. Questions started to bubble up:
Now, what was with this anyway? Why should I please him? Of course, because I wanted to meet Him in heaven just like I heard in my religion. To meet him? Why? It was again a noble reason – because I love God.
The change in a nature of wish followed by the change in the mechanism of worshiping God. It was not just limited to Holy book or prayer but also involved good gestures towards other beings. Like sacrificing my happiness for the sake of others, performing activities that God allowed, avoiding the forbidden activities, consideration for comfort of others by overlooking mine. Always cautious about happiness of my surrounding.
In the aspect of world and others, God blessed me with loving parents, beautiful house, education and every luxurious thing that I imagined or didn’t imagine. Always good in my studies, respected among everyone, loved by everyone and whatnot! This made me humble and more love-able towards God but there was always a fear- what if God is not happy with me? Another greed. Another wish. But, containing a label of ‘goodness’ around it.
These little bubbles of wishes always stayed wherever I was. Be it a holy mosque or a notorious club – This bucket of ‘good’ wishes followed me obediently. Many times, my heart was at peace but whether the peace was there or not – these wishes were always present in my mind.
Pleasant, contented, peaceful. But, it was not enough.